i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
