If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
