That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
