Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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