saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
