I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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