No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
