How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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