I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
