I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
