It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
