I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
