She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
