we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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