i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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