Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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