I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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