When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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