Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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