i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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