I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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