Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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