Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Someone came in the potted fern
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
