She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
