Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
