God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
