I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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