i need an iv and a liver transplant
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
