Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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