too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
