My Higher Power is John Stamos
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
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Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
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He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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