I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
