I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
