Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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