You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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