Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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