We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
