Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Randomize
