I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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