You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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