Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
