I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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