I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
