You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
