she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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