If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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