I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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