i already hear my dad disowning me
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
There are leaves in my underwear?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
