id be glad to
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
