While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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