so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
