If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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