I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
