I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
