why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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