Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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