you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Randomize
