I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
