bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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