You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
